After Larry left…

To pick up his date, I rejoined the rest of the crew. A drink or two to stop my head from spinning. At least that is what I told myself. After everyone else had indulged in a couple cocktails, I asked as nonchalantly as possible, if anyone had seen the girl that Larry was dating-hoping someone would be able to clue me in.

As close as Larry and I were, I was shocked, how had I not known that he was dating someone? Since “the kiss” there had been a distance between us, but how had I missed this? All of the time spent agonizing over the decision, going against all of my beliefs and moral standing, was it all for nothing?

A few of my male co-workers

Had actually met her, the girl Larry was dating, her name was Barb. She had been in the Club several times. Larry had met her when he had taken a few days off-to visit his sister and her family.

Now I was even more confused. If she had been in the Club, how had I missed seeing her, or noticing their connection? Was I so busy acting like I was not watching Larry that I had missed something this monumental?

Even more bewildering…Larry had visited his sister…I had no idea that he had a sister. Obviously she lived closely enough for him to visit.

How well did I really know Larry?

He had been there for me, taken care of me, made sure that I ate, comforted me when I had nightmares, made me laugh when I felt like crying, he was always there.

But, did I really know him?

I felt like I knew him deeply, I knew his character.

But others knew he had a sister, others knew that he had spent time with her recently, and they had also met Barb, the girl he was dating.

For months…

Larry had been there for me, listened to me, sat up through the night to make sure that I was okay…but had I ever asked him about himself or his family? Or had our friendship been all about me?

I needed to do a bit more thinking. Was I having feelings for him because of his good looks and constant care-taking, or did I actually have feelings for him because of who he was? Once again, had I fallen for someone because they loved me? Was I that desperate to have someone in my life that I created the man I wanted in my head? Had I asked myself the hard questions or was I making decisions guided by my hormones and insecurities, once again?

The stakes were higher now…

Not only was hubby and both of our families involved in the decisions that I was making, now Barb and Larry’s family were included too.

So I had to decide whether to give up on the possibility of a relationship with Larry, or push forward knowing that others would be hurt.

I am not proud to say that I did not spend much time thinking about the repercussions. I have no excuses for my behavior. I take full responsibility for everything.

Maybe that is why I also carry a back-breaking amount of guilt. So much guilt that it has taken me 25 years to acknowledge.